Eulogy to My Pancreas

I am here today to say goodbye to a faithful member of my body. Although he is not being removed, and I assume that the tissue is still alive, I must acknowledge that my pancreas has finally given up the ghost. He was a good pancreas and worked very hard for the 20+ years I have been diagnosed with Type II diabetes trying to produce enough insulin for the rest of my body which for some medical reason doesn't play well with insulin. Unfortunately, if he were here today, he probably wouldnt have very kind words to say to me, and I would deserve every criticism.

At the age of 25, living a very sedentary life, and eating things I shouldnt, and drinking Dr. Pepper like water, my weight ballooned to 260 lbs. Then suddenly it began to drop. Along with that was intense thirst and peeing like a race horse. I would sometimes drink a gallon of water through the night. This combined with a later reduced appetite due to personal issues led to me at one point only having 175 lbs on my 6'3" frame.

Since that time, it has been an ongoing, up and down journey, trying to keep my blood sugar under control. When I say up and down, I am referring to the different medications I have been taking. At no time did I ever get serious about monitoring my blood sugar or changing my diet.

That all changed last Wednesday. Kate and I met with a dietitian and a nurse for education on nutrition and use of my insulin injection pen. As my wife shared in her blog, it was a sobering experience. The dietitian went first and spent about an hour telling me not only what I should and should not eat, but how much. It was probably the most depressing part. Nobody wants to hear you can eat all the spinach you want if you are still hungry. It was also a little bit embarrassing when we had to talk about our large Freddy's frozen custards we had the night before.

The second hour was spent with the nurse who trained on use of the novalog pen and monitoring blood sugar levels. She began by asking a lot of lifestyle questions as well as medical information. And then she asked why I was there. What was my motivation for wanting to control my blood sugar and insulin. It caught both Kate and I off guard. We both knew the answer, but it wouldnt come out. The emotions were overwhelming. So we both sat there in silence for a good minute with the tears streaming. Finally the words came out. "There are three little girls we want to adopt, and I want to be around long enough to see them grow up."

And there it was. Suddenly I was so angry with myself. Why had I let it go on this long? Why had the slow build up of symptoms not been enough to make me get serious years ago. I didn't really have an answer. I still don't. But the why doesnt really matter. Why questions deal with the past. Now is time to work for the future.

And so Kate and I are on a new journey towards, diet, exercise, and careful monitoring of my blood sugar levels. Its only been 10 days, and I am sure there will be a lot of struggles with being disciplined. But we are committed to doing what it takes.

Diabetes is like the frog in the water boiled alive because the temperature is only raised slowly. I never felt bad from diabetes, at least not enough to say I noticed. So now, I am looking much closer at the rest of my life to see what else has crept in and may be poisoning me, not just physically, but spiritually as well.

So to my pancreas, thank you for your service, and I'm sorry for how I treated you.